


Tony: Earth's Mightiest Halloweener

by raebands



Series: Avengers: Earth's Mightiest... [5]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Out of Character, fake spiders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 19:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19383244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raebands/pseuds/raebands
Summary: Tony finds out that it's Halloween, and he hasn't done anything! He has to amend this, and what better way than to scare the wits out of his friends with a fake spider?





	Tony: Earth's Mightiest Halloweener

**Author's Note:**

> Quite possibly the crackiest story in this whole series. It's very out of character. And very strange.   
> Nevertheless, I hope you all enjoy it.   
> Also, I'd like to apologize for the title.

Tony sits in his lab, bored out of his mind. It is too close to Halloween to be this bored. Sighing, he stands and walks over to his calendar. Normally, he would stay where he was and get JARVIS to bring up a hovering calendar in front of him. But Steve has been trying to get him to be more active. As if he needs to be any more active than he is.

_I **am** a superhero, for goodness' sake. It's not like I sit around all day. Oh wait. I do. Oops._

When he finally reaches the calendar, he slides his finger along the days, starting at the first. "Swooooooooooooooooooooooosh!" He really doesn't care about how stupid he sounds. He's alone. Even if he wasn't alone, he's freakin' Tony Stark. He can do whatever the heck he wants to. That includes making ridiculous swooshing sounds.

His finger lands on the day's date. "No way. Tell me it ain't so!"

Tony's finger is pointing at a scary date. Quite literally it's scary. The tip of his nail-bitten finger is resting on the thirty-first of October. Halloween itself. It isn't just close to Halloween. It is the very day. How scary. How spooky. How...terrifying.

Tony drops his hand and lets his head fall back. He draws a deep breath. A scream high and long emerges from his throat and travels through his entire tower.

Not five minutes later, Bruce rushes into the room, looking scared. "Tony, are you okay?"

Tony's scream cuts off suddenly and he looks over at Bruce. "Oh, hey, Brucey B."

Bruce raises an eyebrow and asks softly, "Brucey B?" He sounds scared of what Tony's answer might be.  

Tony makes a whiney sound and wiggles around for a moment. He then says quickly, flipping his hands out so that his palms face Bruce, "Yes!"

Bruce turns around, creeping out of the room. He calls in a wavering voice, "Okay. Have fun!"

Tony hears his footsteps speed up and knows that Bruce is running away. He looks up at the ceiling, where he always looks when talking to JARVIS. "Hey, JARVISY J? Was it something I said?"

If JARVIS could nod, he would have. He answers, "Probably."

Tony rolls his eyes and seriously thinks about taking out JARVIS' voice box. He discards the thought and sits in his wheeled chair. The force of his sitting propels it along his counter. He comes to a stop at the wall, where he gracefully falls on his face.

He stands up and asks, "JARVIS, is the place decked out for Halloween?"

Jarvis answers after a scan, "No, sir. The tower does not have any decorations for the holiday."

Tony holds up his index finger. "I shall have to amend that."

A manic grin crosses his face as he heads to the elevator.

 

* * *

 

When Tony has the entire tower decorated with skulls, black cats, pictures that change into creepy ones, rats, and rubber body parts, he sits down on one of the black leather sofas in the common room. He sends Pepper a text reading, 'I need a hug ;)'.

He smirks as he leans back against the couch to wait. Her reply comes a few seconds later.

_'I'm busy.'_

Tony looks at his screen and huffs. 'With?'

_'Nosey'_

Tony has to laugh about that. He thinks for a moment before typing, 'Is it more important than me? :('

He can almost see Pepper rolling her eyes. Her message comes a moment later. _'Tony, you know that nothing could ever be more important than you. However, since it's your work I'm doing, you'd better stop complaining.'_

Tony has to give her credit. He knows that he couldn't type a message that long in less than five seconds. Plus she's doing his work, so double credit. It takes him too long to respond, and Pepper follows up her previous text with, _'I win. :P'_

Tony laughs. He looks up when he hears the glass doors of the elevator swishing open. Steve comes through, taking a bite of his sandwich. Loki follows, trying out different ways to say 'boo'. He sounds crazy. Tony is about to warn him about the danger of being so loud when the spider drops down from the doorway. It lands on Steve's head. The soldier jumps slightly, but Loki completely freaks out. He points at the spider, screaming.

Tony immediately starts laughing. He points at Loki and rolls off of the couch. He makes a pretty loud thump as he hits the floor. He doesn't stop laughing, though. Quite the contrary. He laughs even harder now. By now Loki has stopped screaming and he plucks the fake spider off of Steve's head.

He looks at Tony and asks incredulously, "Really, Anthony?"

Tony wheezes, "You should have seen your face! Oh, it was priceless!"

Loki chucks the spider at him. "Not funny."

The chunk of plastic lands on Tony's chest, right on the reactor. He just laughs again. Steve keeps eating his sandwich. He doesn't even smile. He doesn't even acknowledge that that just happened.

When he finishes his lunch, he says, "Grow up, Tony."

Tony frowns. "Me? Me grow up? Loki screamed like a little girl, and you're telling _me_ to grow up?"

  
Steve nods. He turns, grabbing Loki's arm. Normally the god would snatch himself away, but he's too busy sending Tony a death glare.

As they get back in the elevator, Steve says, "Girly screams are normal for Loki."

The doors close, leaving Tony alone. He looks down at the spider and laughs as he hears a faint 'boo' coming from the girly god.

He picks up his phone and sends Pepper a message.

'I still need a hug.'

As he waits for an answer, he hangs the spider back up in the doorway, laughing quietly and grinning evilly. He hurries back to the couch and plops down in his seat again. The sad part is, Pepper doesn't come. She doesn't even answer his text.

Thor is the next person to come in. He booms, "Where is Loki?"

His loud, thunderous voice makes the spider drop down in front of Thor's face. He smacks it, knocking it down to the floor. Mjolnir comes flying from his bedroom, somehow going around corners. Thor grabs his hammer and brings it down on the offending plastic. Tony's hands fly out, but he can't do anything as Thor smashes the spider to pieces. He sits back to watch as the hammer repeatedly gets whammed down. Boom. Boom. Boom. Dang, Thor must be angry.

Thor finally stops and looks up at Tony. "Did you know that that vile creature was there?"

Tony makes what he thinks is an innocent face. "What me? No! How would I know? Thank you so much for getting rid of that thing for me."

Thor beams. "I am glad to be of help, friend Stark. I will continue my search for my brother. Do not hesitate to call if you require any more help."

He turns and walks out of the room, seeming very pleased with himself. Once he's gone, Tony stands and goes over to assess the damage done to his little spider. The only thing left is dust. Grayish black dust. Tony runs a hand through his hair, but can't help but smile. It's a good thing that he had others. He knew something like this would happen. He didn't think that the damage would be this excessive, though. Oh well.

"JARVIS? Is anyone coming?"

"No, sir. Agents Barton and Romanoff are two levels down. They are the closest to your current location."

Tony grins. He runs back to the couch and pulls out another spider. This one is a tarantula. Not very realistic, since it's hanging from a string of spider web, but it's pretty awesome all the same. Tony sprints over to the doorway again and hangs the spider up.

He scrambles back to his seat when he hears footsteps. He glares up at the ceiling, angry with JARVIS. Stupid machine. Apparently it was blind. He looks as casual as he can, trying to hide his panic. He didn't get a chance to clean up the mess from the old spider and he inwardly cringes.

When Loki comes out of the elevator, Tony smirks. He says, "Don't look now, but I think there's something hanging around over your head."

Loki scoffs. He doesn't even look up. He keeps walking, not expecting a lifelike skull to start chattering on the counter. He jumps, pulling his hands up to his chest, his fingers curled. His eyes are wide, showing his fear. He turns to Tony, putting down the foot that the billionaire didn't know was lifted. He stalks over to the owner of the tower, hands curled into fists at his hips. When he gets to him, he jabs a finger at Tony's arc reactor.

He snarls out, "That is the _last_ time you make a fool of me, Stark. You. Will. Pay."

Tony pushes the darker haired man away from him. "Okay, okay. Whatever. Sorry."

Loki looks thoroughly annoyed. As he turns, Tony notices that the back of his green dress shirt is halfway tucked into his black jeans. The front is untucked, making Loki look like an ignorant schoolboy. Tony bites back a laugh as he hears Loki's sneakers squeak slightly when he walks. He didn't even know that Loki _wore_ sneakers.

"He can't really walk around in leather and armor all day," Tony mutters to himself. He has recently picked up the habit of talking to himself from Bruce.

Thankfully, Loki is out of earshot. Tony wouldn't want to make a fool of Loki. Not again, at least. He and Loki are pretty good friends, but that doesn't mean that he shouldn't take his threat seriously.

Once Loki is out of the room completely, Tony jumps up and makes sure that the spider is on. He doesn't want the next person to walk through without being scared. He turns the switch to 'on' and moves back to the couch.

"Uh, JARVIS? How come you didn't tell me that Reindeer Games was coming?"

"I did not see him, sir. He was invisible."

Tony thinks for a moment. How is that? The only reason he can find would be that Loki tricked JARVIS' security. But he wouldn't be able to do that. He hasn't taught him enough about tech for the ex villain to be able to get past the security.

"How?"

"It appears that he used magic, sir."

Tony scowls, cursing softly. How dare he? He had told Loki not to trick people with his magic if he wanted to stay here. Humph.

"Hey, Tony? Are you feeling better?"

Bruce sounds a bit frightened. Tony raises an eyebrow and makes a, "Hmm?" sound.

Bruce stays where he is, wringing his hands slightly. He calls a little more loudly, "Are you okay?"

The spider drops down at him, scaring the living daylights out of Bruce. The scientist jumps back and trips. He lands on his bottom, staring up at the fake arachnid. When Tony sees his friend's chest heaving, he wonders if it was really such a good idea to scare him. Wouldn't he Hulk out? That wouldn't be good.

"Bruce. You're gonna be okay," Tony assures him quietly. He walks over to his science buddy and puts a hand on his shoulder."It's okay. You're alright."

Bruce looks up at him and grins. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Tony pulls his hand back, looking hurt. He says, "You are so mean."

Bruce laughs softly and stands. "Nah. I'm the nice one out of all of us. If you think about it, you play tricks on us all the time. For example, not two minutes ago, you scared me with a spider. You deserve to be tricked sometime."

Tony can't really argue with that. He smiles and asks, "Do you wanna watch with me? It's pretty funny. Loki came in before you."

Bruce looks thoughtful for a moment before nodding. "Sure."

Tony pumps his fist. It was a bit boring being by himself. He leads Bruce over to the observation couch, where they wait for their next victim.

They don't have to wait very long. Clint and Natasha make their appearances shortly.

"Go, go Power Rangers!" Clint shouts as he comes through the door. When the spider drops down, he lets out a scream that's even more feminine than Loki's was. "Make it go away! Nat, kill it! Kill it! Oh my gosh!"

Natasha has already pulled out her gun. She wastes no time in shooting it. One bullet. Two bullets. Three bullets. She just unloaded three bullets into a fake spider. It falls to the floor and the red lights of its eyes flicker out.

"Thank you," Clint breathes out. He looks at Tony and says irritably, "You wanna explain why there was a killer tarantula hanging from the ceiling?"

Tony and Bruce are too busy laughing to answer. Tony's sides are starting to hurt by now. He has laughed too much. Wait. That's impossible. One can never laugh too much. Bruce seems to have the same thoughts, as he continues to laugh. He laughs so hard that his glasses fall off onto the floor. This only makes Tony laugh harder. He holds his sides, running out of breath.

Natasha puts her hands on her hips. Clint looks embarrassed when he realizes that the spider wasn't real. He turns to Natasha, a pout already forming on his face. He grabs her hand.

"Together?"

"Together."

The two run at Tony and Bruce, hands outstretched. 

 

* * *

  
Two minutes later, Tony and Bruce are begging for Natasha and Clint to stop. Clint is giving Tony's arm an Indian burn, making the inventor scream in pain and twist his legs around. He's trying to get out of the archer's grip, but he isn't doing so well. Natasha is bending Bruce's fingers back, making them turn white. The normally bespectacled man is whimpering pitifully. He sounds helpless.

"Say you're sorry!" Clint yells at Tony.

The billionaire refuses and bites his lip. He looks over at Bruce, who looks like he's about to cry. Knowing Bruce, he probably is. He's up against Natasha, after all. Not many men can fight her without crying.

"I'm sorry," Bruce mewls, feebly pawing at Natasha's hand.

She finally lets go and nods at Clint. He takes the hint and regretfully releases Tony's arm. He doesn't look very happy, though. Tony jerks his arm away from his teammate and rubs the inflamed spot.

"Ow."

 

* * *

The S.H.I.E.L.D. agents stick around. They figure that it will be a lot of fun to watch Pepper freak out about the spider. They watch as Tony goes up and replaces the spider. He sweeps up the dust from Thor's spider and picks up the shot-through remains of the agents'. When he comes back to sit down, he's grinning like a kid.

"This is the third spider. _Third spider._ "

Natasha smiles. Clint says quietly, "You know, if I had had my bow, that old one would have been stuck to the wall with an arrow."

Tony snorts. "Sure. After you changed your panties."

Clint's mouth drops open. He looks away, his nose in the air. Natasha just smirks. Bruce is still inspecting his glasses, leaning against the leather of the couch. Tony looks down at his phone when it vibrates. When he sees Pepper's name, he smiles. He opens the message and grins.

_'I just finished up. Do you still need that hug?'_

Tony types up his answer. 'Sure do. I'm in the common room.' He presses send and sits back, waiting for her reply. It comes a few seconds later.

_'I'm on my way ;)'_

Tony settles down, the excitement shining in his eyes. She's coming! He will finally see her frightened face! Her terrified face! Her scared face! He's never actually seen it before, but he knows it has to be good. Why else would she never show it? If it wasn't funny, she wouldn't be afraid to let everyone see it. But since she hides it, it must be awesome.

He grins at the others and says, "Pepper's on her way."

Natasha smiles, as does Clint. Bruce follows suit. The smile looks a little evil on the good doctor. Okay, more than a little evil. But Tony likes it. It suits him well not to have such a happy attitude all the time. Even good doctors need to be mad scientist.

Pepper storms into the room, clutching paperwork to her chest with one hand and holding a pair of shoes in the other. She is fuming. Apparently she stepped in something. When the horrible smell reaches the others' noses, they know what it is before she tells them.

"I stepped in dog crap! Can you believe it!?" she practically screams.

The spider drops down at her. She immediately takes the offensive. One shoe whizzes right past the spider, but the other one hits its mark. The spider drops to the floor. Pepper doesn't hesitate to smack it with the papers. She isn't nearly as scared as Tony thought she would be. But in a way, this is better.

After almost a full minute, Pepper realizes that the spider isn't dying. She realizes that it isn't even alive. She looks up at Tony, her face flushed and her hair falling around her face in loose wisps.

"Did _you_ put that there?"

Tony nods slowly, a dumbfounded look on his face. His eyes widen as Pepper stomps toward him, ignoring the chattering skulls and creepy pictures. She rolls up the papers and proceeds to whop his head with them. Tony's hands fly up to try to defend himself, but Pepper just swats them away.

  
"I. Can't. Believe. That. You. Would. Do. That. To. Me!"

She punctuates each word with a thwack. Tony begins to wonder if it was such a good idea to try and scare her. At the same time he wonders if his friends even care that it has backfired completely. When he hears their laughter, he can be sure that they don't care. They love it.

Finally Pepper stops hitting him. She picks up the shoe with dog excrement and before Tony can do anything to stop her, drops it in his lap. She then waves pleasantly at the others and walks out, stepping daintily over the fake spider.

She calls over her shoulder, "Happy Halloween."


End file.
